shoes of a pilgrim

 

Several months ago, I had put all of John's shoes in a bucket, ready for my kind son to take to Goodwill. I could let go of these surely, they are just shoes. As I picked the bucket up, I started to weep and my son said: "Mom, you don't have to get rid of anything, ever." All the shoes are still there. 

 This picture last appeared in my Camino story. I told of how I can actually read about the Camino with pleasure in the remembering now. Then I looked closely at the picture and noticed the grey jacket on John's backpack. I have been wearing that daily and it has kept me warm all over. That jacket. But what about the shoes. I wore hiking boots, what did he have on? And in the cache of shoes, I found the exact shoes from the picture. The obsession continues, the title being "looking for John".

I have a small prayer corner that I go to each morning. It's where we meet : John, Christ and I. Our shiny wooden hiking sticks, one John made, are there, wood pieces from a beloved maple taken down from the house in the Catskills, our Camino shells, sunflowers, the prayer of surrender of St. Charles de Foucauld, a treasured carved bowl made by Australian aboriginals, and a prayer card of St. James. I go to that corner gratefully as it is my sanctuary.

And now, a new item, the scuffed up, worn hiking shoes that I didn't let go those months ago. Call me mad, it's O.K. I know what comforts me. 

 

Afraid of many things

  

 What do you fear?

 In this hard last year I have been afraid of many things: music, the interstate, riding home in the dark, and anything that might trigger a memory. So when a friend asked if I would like to see a movie about the Camino, the holy 500 mile pilgrim way in Spain, my first thought was "no." What if I sit in the theater weeping like a bathtub overflowing reliving the time in 2013 when John and I did the Camino? 

  Instead, I put on my big girl pants, went and enjoyed a movie that was very inspiring and that didn't break my heart. I am getting there.

I am reading a well done book about another pilgrim and laughing at how similar his journey was to ours. The pain, the joys, the adventure of it all. And now I am rereading my journal notes and reliving the time with pleasure.

...the scene in the Pamplona square where a drunken Russian youth almost landed in John's lap.

...at Mass in that city where my mind kept being flooded with these words: "Jesus is Lord, Jesus is Lord" and then in the homily in Spanish which I don't speak, I heard this: "Jeus es Dio."

...a pilgrimage takes you out of what is usual, the things that cosset and contain your life...a hill looms, a crushing descent, your eyes weep often without your permission.

...writing on a wonderful shady bench on the patio of a church,,,bells peel, roses surround, cobblestones...a respite.

...a picture of John pushing a wheelbarrow filled with cabbage up a steep hill for a older resident of the town..

  I am so glad my son made me take a camera, my friend invited me to the movie, my beloved said yes to the walk and I kept a journal.

I will end with the title of the book : "To the Field of Stars" by Kevin A. Codd

...and this prayer given by some nuns after Mass in Pamplona :" May Your protective shadow cover them during the day, and may the light of your grace enlighten them at night, may your pilgrims finish happily the road to Santiago. " A prayer for any of us as we walk each other other Home.