"Balance is the perfect state of still water.Let that be our model.It remains quiet within and is not disturbed on the surface".Confucius
I used to have a tape that played in my head and I can still remember the lashing sound as I beat myself with words."Failure,never good enough,not pretty,not likable.what am I here for?"In my travels,I have learned that I am not alone in this grey land of negative thinking.Did my childhood predispose me to blue days of self-flagellation?One day, I realized that ,without my effort, the recording had stopped.
What happened?
A golden smiling grace came to me yesterday while doing spiritual direction.Perhaps I have been looking at this phenomena in a wrong way.Could it be that this self punishment is just that?Sub-consciously do we know that we are not in accord with Divine will and so to balance the invisible scales, we punish ourselves with our thoughts or self-destructive actions?We know that we are not measuring up and deserve some punishment but there is no one to give it because the world thinks we are just fine.
Charlie Sheen comes to mind.I think he might be in better place now but his outrageous acting out when he has the world in his palm is to me a cry for help."I have it all;two women at my beck and call and all the drugs there are and I am so angry.Why?"Does anyone see balance in his life?
I cannot put a finger on the day that my tape stopped playing but maybe it was the day I knelt interiorly and gave the Lord my heart and ask him to lead me .
Could our souls be so sensitive to our inner workings that they automatically work to bring a healthy balance to us?I think this maybe so.Whatever happened, I am grateful beyond words to have left the land of constant beating.
If I ever find myself there again, I will pray for wisdom to know what to do to return to the land of balance and still waters.I love this encouragement from Albert Einstein:"The most important endeavour is striving for morality in our actions.Our inner balance and even our existence depend on it.Only morality in our actions can give beauty and dignity to life."
1 comment:
" He has also set eternity in the hearts of men...." (Ecclesiastes 3:10)
Your writing strikes a chord within me. A short, chubby, young girl in thick glasses, a negative feeling of myself was present. Buying clothes in the "chubby dept."; being a constant nail-biter; loving outdoors and sports instead of frilly dresses and 'ladylike' things annoyed some of my family.
Much older now, I see how others' expectations increased feelings of negative self-worth. However, church was one of my havens--I loved to walk to church and just sit and talk to the Lord. "I am with you and will keep you in all places." He reminded me, and I found great soul-peace.
Contrary to your situation (yet agreeing with your theoretical position) the Lord was the source of my self-worth. I had already called on God's help and given Him my life. He was always there for me.
The Bible tells us "Behold, I stand at the door and knock..." God is patient, trying to get our attention and our love. It makes sense that a heart not given over to Him will be troubled and restless; sensing that something is 'wrong' or 'missing'. We must recognize that his is a lifelong trap. Negative feelings of self-worth can return if we forget the Lord and slip into ungodly behavior (see: Galatians 5:19). We must 'die daily' to self and live by the Spirit (Gal. 5:22) to enjoy His gifts.
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