pay attention to bells.

The monk stands quietly in the shadows of morning. He is going to do something soon that will call his fellows in the monastery high above the clouds in Nepal.The bell will be rung, the men will stir and file sleepily into the round empty room.They will sit, empty themselves and then chant to start their day. They will do this in a quiet so deep that the breathing of birds can be heard.

 Bells have always signaled that something different is about to happen."Pay attention", they say, "look up, this is important." I miss the bells at Mass that rang out when the bread was turned into the Body of Christ.This is not only different but miraculous.When the communists took over Mexico in the 1920s, bells were outlawed. Imagine that. If you were caught ringing bells you could be arrested. Miracles had been outlawed.The Churches were emptied. Do you know how the people learned that the government had fallen?.They heard the bells loud clanging ,like the end of the world, and they knew and wept.

When my granddaughter Maddie was expected, her Mom, Heather had some complications .It was a very tense time and we didn't know if we would ever hold that child and kiss her cheeks. .I recall feeling a sadness so heavy that I just had to get out of the house. I went into the woods, sat on my bench and closed my eyes. My heart was prayerful and then this happened:  a scene unfolded that was so mystifying, so real . I saw Heather sitting in a chair and from her left and right people were streaming towards her in single file. Each would take turns touching her abdomen and then pass on.I knew as if it was written on the trees that these were Maddie's ancestors from all parts of the world, making sure that this child was born and part of the line. Then, as if it had a home in the woods, a bell rang and they were gone.

Maddie came to us on August 15, 2012. Beautiful and perfect.I can see the ancestors smiling..

companions of fear

 Art by Rene Magritte...."Companions of Fear"



"My God, what are they doing ?" exclaimed the woman tourist near me.I heard her words while I was looking at a wildflower, my back to the canyon. When I turned around and followed her gaze, my legs became rubber and tears began to flow.

 We were at the Grand Canyon on a splendid June day, the sun and air perfect for being on the path by the rim. There was a railing a few feet from the edge with a sign warning visitors to keep back. Beyond the edge was a stone column coming from the bottom of the canyon. It was a few feet maybe 5 from the edge and one had to leap to get to the top that was flat and the size of a large round dining table.And there they stood, above the very deep canyon, admiring the view. My husband, middle son in his twenties and my youngest son, in his late teens.I said to the woman," That's my family." She could see that my face was white marble and my hands shook. She said, "Turn your back to the canyon and when they are safe, I will tell you."

I turned and, screaming inside, waited; true to her word, she said,"It's O.K. now." For days, foolishly,  I replayed in my  imagination, what could have happened; the slip on the pebbles on the top, a faulty leap that fell short. That began a crippling fear of heights.

A few years back we went to West Texas to visit my son who teaches at a university there.He had grand plans to take us to his favorite National Park ,Big Bend. We hiked to some of his favorite spots. I got to see the gorgeous Texas blue bonnet and some stunning vistas..Then came a twisting trail up and up with a  rock strewn path  that might have been 3 feet wide. To my left was a sheer drop unto rocks and then the Rio Grande. I stopped, sat down, prayed my rosary and let him go on.  He was mad at me and I felt his disappointment but unless you have this fear of heights you cannot understand.

 There they sit, those 5 Companions of Fear looking at my weakness and I have decided it's time to get over the fright. I will on my next trip to Texas in April. Meanwhile, I will repeat this quote as my mantra until it is true:

"Fear: I recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still-your suggestions will never be followed.You're allowed to have a seat and you're allowed to have a voice but you are not allowed to have a vote.You're not allowed to touch the road maps ;you're not allowed to suggest detours, you're not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you're not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive."
-Elizabeth Gilbert.