"My God, what are they doing ?" exclaimed the woman tourist near me.I heard her words while I was looking at a wildflower, my back to the canyon. When I turned around and followed her gaze, my legs became rubber and tears began to flow.
We were at the Grand Canyon on a splendid June day, the sun and air perfect for being on the path by the rim. There was a railing a few feet from the edge with a sign warning visitors to keep back. Beyond the edge was a stone column coming from the bottom of the canyon. It was a few feet maybe 5 from the edge and one had to leap to get to the top that was flat and the size of a large round dining table.And there they stood, above the very deep canyon, admiring the view. My husband, middle son in his twenties and my youngest son, in his late teens.I said to the woman," That's my family." She could see that my face was white marble and my hands shook. She said, "Turn your back to the canyon and when they are safe, I will tell you."
I turned and, screaming inside, waited; true to her word, she said,"It's O.K. now." For days, foolishly, I replayed in my imagination, what could have happened; the slip on the pebbles on the top, a faulty leap that fell short. That began a crippling fear of heights.
A few years back we went to West Texas to visit my son who teaches at a university there.He had grand plans to take us to his favorite National Park ,Big Bend. We hiked to some of his favorite spots. I got to see the gorgeous Texas blue bonnet and some stunning vistas..Then came a twisting trail up and up with a rock strewn path that might have been 3 feet wide. To my left was a sheer drop unto rocks and then the Rio Grande. I stopped, sat down, prayed my rosary and let him go on. He was mad at me and I felt his disappointment but unless you have this fear of heights you cannot understand.
There they sit, those 5 Companions of Fear looking at my weakness and I have decided it's time to get over the fright. I will on my next trip to Texas in April. Meanwhile, I will repeat this quote as my mantra until it is true:
"Fear: I recognize and respect that you are part of this family, and so I will never exclude you from our activities, but still-your suggestions will never be followed.You're allowed to have a seat and you're allowed to have a voice but you are not allowed to have a vote.You're not allowed to touch the road maps ;you're not allowed to suggest detours, you're not allowed to fiddle with the temperature. Dude, you're not even allowed to touch the radio. But above all else, my dear old familiar friend, you are absolutely forbidden to drive."
-Elizabeth Gilbert.
2 comments:
This story packs more than 5 punches, the art is a perfect complement and what a quote. Fear is so insidiously at our heels, for me that is when I silently scream "Jesus, I trust in you!"
My knees were weak just reading that-I was so there with you wanting to strangle the 3 of them! Reminded me of being in NYC waiting on the subway and seeing my son at the edge leaning over the tracks to see if the train was coming. Fortunately he lovingly backed away for the soul purpose of calming my fear. Bottomless edges paralyze me as well. There have been times I am able to push through and times I have not. I believe there are times God uses our fear to protect us, and also times it is our humanness that won't let it go.
Post a Comment