One of the stages of grief is regret and guilt. What could I have done differently so this would not have happened? .Was I at all kind that terrible day when the love of my life left us ?I can't describe the weight of those thoughts that were like boulders pressing down on me. In hopeless despair I turned to Mary and said these words; "Help me, I can't bear this."
I had ignored Mary for years and then the dreams started. Not often but enough to get my attention. I can see myself now in this dream of a few years back. I am standing on a corner in the rain at night and everyone has left me. I have no idea where I am .I see a flashing sign for Corky's Bar, the only place open, and I went in. I said to the bartender: "where is this?". He replied and gave a street name. I said: " No, you don't understand, I have no idea where I am, period." He said: "Staten Island, N.Y and if you need help just go down the road to Stella Maris High School. They will assist you there" Off I went to the building by the sea and then I woke up.
It was not lost on me that Stella Maris is a title for Mary who as our guide is the Star of the Sea. Mary was slowly leading me into her arms.
This December, when I made that plea for help, I was answered immediately in this way. A scene from the 80s came to mind when I was facing a challenge of great import. My response had been one of great patience and love and it had made all the difference to our souls and to our family. I was being told to focus on this and to let the small insignificant things drift away. The burden lifted.
This is from Bernard of Clairvaux:
"O you, whoever you are, who feel that in the tidal wave of this world you are nearer to being tossed about among the squalls and gales rather then treading on dry land....gaze up at this Star ,call out to Mary.......when you begin to founder in the gulf of sadness and despair ,think of Mary, call out to Mary...Keep her in your heart,... Follow the example of her life and you will obtain the favor of her prayer.. Follow her and you will never go astray.. Asking her help, you will never despair. With your hand in hers, you will never stumble.. With her protecting you, you will not be afraid. Her kindness will see you through to the end."
So, here I am , again having no idea where I am. I know this: today, a book I have had for awhile was taken off the shelf and, as I absent mindedly scrolled through, there was Bernard waiting to explain who Mary is and what she had done for me in stark, compelling and beautiful words.
Mary , Queen of the angels , pray for us..
2 comments:
Thank you. A little prayer that Jonette Bankovich on EWTN said she prayed in moments of dispair: "Mary Mother of my Lord, please Mother me".
I have uttered those words many times & she always comforts me. Praying for you.
Your Mary encounters are so real and moving, yes! She is our Mother Most Holy, standing by the Cross, She saves us from despair at any given moment. If this is any consolation, once I was told by a priest that regret and guilt are not sins, just responses to the human condition, so I was set free, may this thought free you also. All that we have is hers to offer to Jesus who makes us safe and at peace. God Bless You!
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