How do you describe this? For 57 years years, even when he was not with me , he was with me. Now he is not only not with me but he is not with me. When you are inside the quiet holiness of Notre Dame and see the stained glass beauty you don't ever look out and see the grey dull buttresses holding it all up. They are not noticed but they are there.
You don't want to leave the house because you know you will come back and see once again that he is not there. You cannot imagine going to your favorite used bookstore and not see him sitting in a light colored stuffed chair patiently waiting for you to finish, reading a book he will not buy. It's all for you
Go to the lovely restaurant that you were going to go to on New Years' Eve, a tradition ?Unthinkable.
You make the mistake of rereading journals looking for him in the pages and find that each page sparkles and is lit with joy for the little things that make you happy. The green grass, the sun, birds, a tree ,turkeys, books, walks and it occurs to you that you hardly notice anything anymore.
And for the first time, you are thinking of going to bed at 6 p.m. and not eating dinner because it just doesn't matter.
No words offered, no words given, can change what you know. The light has gone out, the TV doesn't work, frozen dinners languish, the bills with his name come, and none of it matters. I don't know when it will matter again.
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