A poem dropped in my messages yesterday that caused quite a stir. My niece, who has been a rock in my storm, sent it and it has this verse:
You're the Ghost
......."You walk around ,doing all the right things,
putting one foot in front of the other,
living, but it's really as though you're the ghost
...perhaps you are
perhaps your soul searches, until you find the one you miss.."
Bingo! That is exactly what I have been doing. Looking for John. Holding on to John. Rereading journals, looking for his thoughts, his name....reading books he mentions in some letters and notes he left behind. A constant search for the one who is lost. I must be crazy.
Yesterday I got in my mind that I had to find the rosary that John gave me when we were dating. A beautiful silver one that we hoped to pray while kneeling on the floor with the children we would have. I hadn't used it because it was broken in some way but I knew I had it somewhere.
Try the desk, no, try the trunk, no, try every closet in the house. Crying, sad, saying sorry I didn't take good care of it. Praying to St. Anthony. Using all the tissues in the house, lunatic weeping. Finally I was exhausted and gave up. Then later when I was less addled, the saint whispered :"Try the desk again". There it was, not among the ten others but in a plastic bag to keep it safe. See, I did treasure it and keep it. My precious gift.
The poem ends this way:
....."...until you find the one you miss, and they tell you to go back and live.
You don't belong here in the ether,
nor do you need to search for the one you lost,
they find you and when they do, you'll feel it."
Thank you Donna Ashworth (poem), Teresa and St. Anthony for helping me realize that being a searching ghost is O.K., that when he finds me I do feel it and that is good and maybe I am just a little bit not crazy.
2 comments:
Oh Sharon this is so beautiful!!! What would we ever do without St Anthony! He saved me yesterday..I had misplaced an important paper I needed. Something told me where to look. It was there and underneath a holy card of Our Blessed Mother!!
I’m so glad you found your precious Rosary..love you!
Such a beautiful reflection. Not CRAZY at all. Thank you for being so open & sharing your journey,
I think, like grief, love has stages. The first is giddy, unrealistic 'love'. That dreamy he/she is perfect kind of love. Then life happens & through the years it grows in many ways. Some joyful & some not so much. The final stage is loss, hurt, grief. How blessed we are that we have had the opportunity to experience love so deeply at so many levels with the same person. So many don't have the patience, perseverance or faith to ever know the gift of such a deep love. Such a precious blessing.
You remain in my prayers. Love you
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